Im on the titanic.

My neighbors hot water heater broke, flooding their apartment. This in turn leaked on over here and now my apartment is flooding. B and I are taking cover on my bed - but i had to call out of work due to the fact that we will be cleaning up alllll this water tomorrow. Awesome

Whats wrong with that?

Okay - i get it. Im 22 years old. I should be going out at night and spending time with friends - but im not. I mean on top of being the only parent for B, im also working full time and going to school. So kill me if i dont find the time to hang out with friends. Well some friends on mine want me to go out with them tonight. At first i couldn't find a sitter, but now i have found one, and i really just don't want to go. I get every other weekend off and i like to just sit around and relax with B. I feel like i leave him four days out of the week already - why have him spend the night at the sitters house?

My bestfriend called me and told me all our friends are looking forward to me finally coming out with them again, and that we have so many plans for tonight. Pre-game parties, bar hoping. This used to be the spitting image of me a year ago. I used to be that girl that started partying at 5pm on a saturday night and didnt get home untill 3am. But im not that girl anymore. I want to spend time with B. I told my bestfriend that id go out to dinner and ONE DRINK with her tonight - but after I have to go buy some more diapers & wipes for B, and come home. She thinks by telling me about how drunk i could get tonight i will change my mind. I just dont want to go. I have more important things in life - like the little life i created who looks and learns from me. Do you think i want him to learn that mommy would rather drink? I know it may be a little drastic since i used to go out 5 days a week, and now im lucky to get a drink in once a month. But i still cant help feeling so guilty.

Ut-oh

I feel like i pulled my c-section the wrong way - ive been getting sharp pain right by the incision & horrible back pain ever since. Doc thinks it might be the first time im actually releasing an egg, and boy i have never wished so hard for my period to start in my life. OW OW AND DOUBLE OW.

I never bought that car, they wanted to rape my bank account & everything i ever owned. Sorry i wont put 10,000 dollars down on a car worth 12,000 just so you could go home with a bonus. I told you 2,000 down, if thats not good i will and am going somewhere else. You are not the only ones with a 09 madza. Calm down.

My dad wants me to move back in with him once my lease is up to help pay with the mortgage. Now, id love to help out. But me and B dont belong there. I love being on my own, for both me and B's sake. Im not a 16 year old, needing support from her father because she cant pay for anything. I can and do pay for everything, and though i know he lost his job and he needs help, it wont be by having me move in to pay his bills. Ill send him some money each month for some help, but me and B love my apartment, and i worked my ASS off to get it, and worked my ASS off to keep it. I love it, i love the town and im not leaving.

Good news all around :)

Closes the door before the winter lets the cold in,
And wonders if her love is strong enough to make him stay,
She's answered by the tail lights
Shining through the window pane

Something about that song that i just cant get over. Maybe because i understand it, and i get it. Maybe because after hearing this, i finally grew some balls and blocked EX and every single person he ever even fucking looked at from my facebook. There, now your officially dead to me.

On a better note, i started producing milk again ! I still havent bought my pump yet, but i was having B latch on tonight, and he was eating. And not these little feedings, he got a full feeding out, i didnt even have to give him his 7oz bottle before bed. GO BOOBIES !!

Random Thoughts :

B, preggie sister, my niece and I all went to the aquarium today. We have fun seeing the "shhishies" :) Too bad my camera is in my car, and im a lazy one tonight, otherwise id show you peectures !

Buying a new car soon - going to look at it tomorrow. SIKED.

Once my tax refund comes in too, im buying a new couch. I just, want a new one.

Just had a breakdown

I just stumbled across someones blog, who had a baby boy around B's age. The baby passed away a month ago due to aspirating some spit up into his lungs and not being able to be resuscitated. I cant stop crying. The baby looked so much like B. He smiled like B, had the big brown eyes like B and the full head of hair, just like B. I remember when my boyfriend passed away, i was a mess for over a year. I cant imagine loosing a child, such a young child and by such a little accident. B spits up all the time, i tell him to "cough it out" and pat his back. I CANT IMAGINE seeing him not be able to cough it up. Im such a wreak about seeing that, that i had thrown up myself from crying so hard. I wont put B down now, and hes getting quite confused why im sobbing while holding him so tight. But i cant even imagine. I cant - that alone was hard for me.

rest in peace, baby adam.

I was 4 hours late for work !!

So yesterday - i had thought i had to work 3 to 11pm. So i stayed up until 2am, studying for my medical terms test. I figured id take it in the morning after braydens first bottle. So i wake up in the morning & feed brayden. No issue. I look at my phone and i see i have tons of missed calls. Im like "what the hell happened at work today" (thinking they needed me to come in early) I listen to the voice mails - its the charge nurse saying "um, so you were saposted to work 7am to 7pm .. and its 830?!" By now, its 10. I FLIP OUT. I call her, explain the situation, then run around get brayden ready & head the 30 mins out of my way to my grandparents house to drop him off, then back the 30 mins to go to work. I finally arrived, my boss was quite pissed. She just pointed at me and directed me to her office. Oh yay. She tells me she understands, but for it to not count against me, i have to stay untill 11pm. Awesome, how am i saposto get this test done? She was like well i understand but you can go home at 7pm, just know you can only work 24 hours next week then. Well, i cant keep myself alive on 24 hours a week. So i had to take the hit and forget the test. :(

On a better note, i have Saturday and Sunday off, so today was spent hanging around, cooking & cleaning. And BOY what a stress reliever cleaning is. Like once i have a nice vacuumed, Lysol-ed, swiffer-ed house .. i get a high thats indescribable. Like "i can take over the world and make a baby happy" kinda high. But i also get THE BEST high from this little boy who just learned how to giggle :)

 

 And look at him, sittin in his bumbo while mommy mops the kitchen, even he gets happy from a clean house ..

Gosh, he has made even the worst days feel like the best :)

Just another day ..

So the re-lactating is taking longer than i had hoped because my income check still hasnt come in yet, and i cant get very far without having a pump. Since i work 12 hour shifts theres clearly no way i can get any sort of stimulation while at work without a pump. Bills are tight right now as it is. I thought i had more money in my account than i actually had, because i had bought something that wasnt processed for a few days. So now i check my account and see i have 50 dollars untill next thursday. That should be fun :/

I went out with a few people from work last night & i had a blast. I havent had that much fun since before baby. It felt good to be able to go out and not really worry about much. Brayden was at my grandparents house, sleeping away peacefully.

Id also like to add that im going to be an auntie, AGAIN! My sister and her boyfriend are expecting again, shes 6 weeks along. I did the Chinese gender test, and it said girl! My niece needs another girl, all of our friend have boys & brooklyn LOVES being girly just like her mommy! Im very excited for them, whichever sex. It would be kinda cool if she had twins though ! :p

A journey of relactating

So ive made the choice to relactate. This is going to be a journey in itself - but im ready for the ride. I want to  provide whats best for my son. I had gone out and bought some tea & oatmeal - i had also went out and bought brand new parts for my pump in hopes that was the reason why my pumps suction was not as strong as it was when i first bought it. Im excited to start this journey again, i regret not trying harder. Lets see what works out, relatating day one !

Three months old !

Today brayden is three months old & he is DEFIANTLY going through the three month old growth spurt. Im sort of lucky i had today off - i know my grandparents wouldn't be able to watch him like this. He needed to be fed every two hours, and needed to be held all day long. I had a feeling this was coming on - a few days ago he was needing to be fed every two hours or so also and my grandmother refused to feed him until he was a total hot mess and screaming so loud that the dog was hiding. I guess she got the hint then. My whole motto with the whole thing is once i know hes crying because hes hungry - i feed him 6oz. If he doesnt take all 6, so be it. But im sure as hell not going to let him scream just because it hasnt been 3-4 hours yet. He knows when hes hungry better than anyone, so just feed the kid will ya?

Since it was my day off and we were having a sleet/ice/storm storm again today i decided to stay in and chillax with my growth spirter. I was trying to get good three month old pictures but once i put B down, it was a scream fest. Though i followed our normal routine for night time and just like clockwork he was to bed by 830 again tonight. Right now he seems to be waking up every now and then, so i feel like mr. growth spirt is going to wake him a few times in the night to eat. But thats okay because i work the evening shift for the rest of this week, so i dont really have to worry about how much sleep i get, which is always a plus. I can also have a martini tonight without feeling guilty that i have to wake up in 4 hours to get ready for work. Yay for the 3-11 shift, but boo to having to pick up B from my grandparents house while hes sleeping. I hate waking him up at 12am to get into the car :(

I made a pink lemonade martini tonight, but i just used some new pink lemonade vodka i picked up this weekend & vermouth. I added a splash of cranberry to it because it was a little strong. Its delish - and apparently new. I couldnt find the actual recipe on google to share on here. What am i doing being a nurse, my calling is clearly bartender !